Posts from 01st Mar 2004 to 31st Mar 2004.
I like the way that after nearly twenty years of experiece with this person, with knowing every secret they've ever had, knowing how they think, what they like and what they hate, that they can still surprise me. I am, of course, talking about myself.
I was watching "The Usual Suspects" this evening with Big Richard and Little Richard. For those that haven't watched it, and there are no spoliers here, it's roughly and partly about the underground illegal world. Drug smuggling, murder, theft, etc.
Now I, for a number of minutes, thought seriously about where my life is heading. I thought about what my skills are, where my talents lie and what I can make of them all. I pretty much came to a conclusion that I have two choices.
The first is to follow life as a genuine, law obiding, friendly, down to earth man, who I'd currently consider myself.
The other is to move into the underground world. I've dablled in it already in life, it's interesting, risky, it gives me that fast heart rate and puts an edge on life. I could live a life of hacking, lies and fraud.
I just found it really interesting to think how many choices I still have left in life to make. I could still make anything of my life. I'm not religous in the slightest and I'm far from spiritual... but I still feel that at the present, at Uni, I'm here to work out who am I and what I personally want to do with my time here. It was quite strange to realise that I'm no closer to realising that than I was at the start of Uni.
But as I said, I do still have nineteen years of understanding with Matt, I should be getting close to realising who he is some time soon.
[On a side note, Big Richard, who I mentioned earlier, has just gone up to bed. He said "Good night, Matthew.". That's so scarey. Noone at Uni calls me that usually. You see, just when you think you're getting a grip on life and understanding, tiny and slight things can throw you right off.]
Hmm. I'd quite like to meet a Psycologist at some point in my life. I'd have one question for them...
What is the reason that whenever I am in front of my computer, the more tired I am the less likely I am to leave it. Thus, I end up becoming more and more sleepy. Thus, I am forced to sit here longer. And I'm serious, it only happens at the computer. If I'm reading, or listening to music or watching TV, I can muster the will-power to sleep. (If this weren't a virual internet world, you'd see a puzzled look of my face now.)
Not that I'm complaining. I've spent about 3 hours reading random blogs (http://www.plastictree.org/
, etc) around the net. Inspiring. Also, there's a really cool London Underground
blogger whose site eventually links to a wonderful book
on amazon, which I think I will order tomorrow.
[And bollocks... I've had to use some menial part of my brain to think about what I'm typing. I'm now wide awake.]
I fancy some cheese. But there isn't any in the fridge. :-(
I'm sure anyone who has enough skill to get to my corner of the internet has, at the very least, heard of Google, what some would call the "Worlds best search engine".
Anyway, I have always been interested in how it does what it does so well and the reasons it can do it so quickly. There was me thinking along some high-tech extravagant system, but it appears I am COMPLETELY and UTTERLY wrong.
I suggest you take a few minutes to read up on the amazing PigeonRank technology and how it's beginning to be used widely in the search engine industry...
I've just heard a headline on Newsbeat on Radio 1. Apparantly Northern Ireland has passed a law last night at midnight that means smokers in public can get a £2000 fine for lighting up.
They had interviewed a people and one lady said "I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to Ireland." I totally agree. Now lets see the same sense applied to the rest of the UK.
I don't normally do these things, but I am sat here bored...
S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: -445, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous
Your appearance is Masculine
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a androgynous manner.
You believe you have normal doubts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Male.
Male to Female Crossdresser
You are in a statistical minority as a anallophilic crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the undirected nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Female gender role.
And I swear I answered "No" to the Have You Ever Crossdressed question. Tsk.
The site is here
for those that are interested.
Wednesday was wonderful. I had a really good time at Naomis. It was lovely to spent some time with her and the family. As I said earlier this week, I've been feeling really wierd this trip to Hitchin. It was strange thinking back over Naomi and my relationship. So many fantastic memories. I'm really greatful to her for them, I'm still really fond of her, and I hope she knows that.
Last night, Thursday night, was amazing. I was back in the 3 Moorhens with Karen and Liz Roseblade. Oh My Gosh. I have missed them, I've missed the group of eight friends we used to have in Hitchin. We looked back on some of the best times, all feeling really old. It's strange to hear how people have changed and what they've been up to. It felt all warm and fuzzy thinking back to when I really fancied Liz too. That was a long time ago now, gosh, but I can remember how special she was to me.
I sometimes feel really akward when I meet old friends. I've mostly got a good memory and so usually remember all about them. Basically that means I can act all palling and like a good friend... but there's always the question of whether they still really are good friends anymore at the back of my mind.
We ended up leaving the pub at closing time, but Karen was a little tipsy to say the least. We had to physically persuade her to walk home. I think the lack of a matress (she had burnt it on Wednesday evening, big flames, candle, etc) that made her want to stay outside all night, but all was well in the end...
...apart from the fucking Taxi. If you don't know the distance between Hitchin (The pub) and Stevenage (The hotel I'm at), it's about a 6 minute drive. Because of the antics getting Karen to go home, I missed the last train home. £14.50
FOURTEEN POUNDS FUCKING FIFTY.
Thats enough for an album CD, over 35 chocolate bars, ten Hitchin to Stevenage trips on the train but most importantly a bottle of Baileys or over nine pints!!!
I had a good weekend last weekend. Chilled out. Met some nice people off my course in a proper social environment. Went swimming a few times. All in all, a fantastic end to the University term.
I'm currently back in Hitchin. Monday to Friday of this week.
On Monday evening, I went to the 3 Moorhens with Karen. It was lovely to talk and unbelievably refreshing to have someone new to be with for an evening.
I really mean no offense, but twelve weeks with Uni friends, living in the same house as most of them, going out all the time and living life to this false "max".... It all gets a bit over the top really. You find that you never have anything to talk about, that each others habbits, mannerisms and the small things really start to piss you off.
So as I say, it was nice to be back in Hitchin, too see the place and to have some time with proper beer chatting to an old friend.
I had had time to get used to the fact I'm back in Hitchin by this point. And on some level it was depressing. I lived in Hitchin for the first 18 years of my life, so the majority of my memories and experiences come from there. It felt really weird. I guess it was like I was at home, in some sense, even though I was two hours away from either of my permanent abodes (Southwold, Southampton).
I'm afriad I don't have the English vocab to describe exactly what it was like. I guess it was something along the lines of overwhelming happiness as memories flooded back. So many things that made me smile and giggle to myself. It was one of those moments of reflection of past years.
Essentially, I was proud. Proud of what I had acomplished in Hitchin, proud of who I had been friends with, I was totally pleased about what I had done with my years there. I know it sounds like I'm being really old, but I do owe so much to every friend/mate/aquantence I've had in Hitchin over the years, especially my relatives and two of my best friends, Mum and Dad.
I sat at Hitchin station for about half an hour in the depths of last night, waiting to get back to my hotel in Stevenage. And I felt as if I could finally say "goodbye" to Hitchin, that I could accept I didn't live there anymore.
If I were to be able to go back to the start of my days in Hitchin, I wouldn't do anything differently and I wouldn't ask anyone to have had any more or any less of an effect on my life.
So this week so far has generally gone really well for me. I'm really happy and glad that I've had a bit of escapism from the stressed end of term at Uni. I'm beginning to feel more refreshed and getting motivation back for my course and for heading somewhere in life.
I just hope this good spell stays here for a while longer. I like it.
Tonight, when I finish work in about an hour, I'm going to get changed really quickly and head back to the station. I've been invited to Naomis for the evening for tea. And I'm really looking forward to it. I've missed being around her at Uni, well actually I've missed everyone) but Naomi probably more because I was so close to her. It'll be nice to see her family again, too.
I can't wait for Thursday. I'm really looking forward to it. Going to the pub with some of my old old friends from way back at GCSE and the start of A-Level. It's unfortunate that Stuart and Saz can't make it, but hopefully the others can. So many memories flood back from those days, too.
Then finally on Friday, I'm going out with Mum and her friend for a meal. She's down in Hitchin randomly for this weekend, so said we could meet up Friday evening since we're both here at the same time. Also, if I can find some accomodation for Friday night, I might go to Liz Roseblades birthday party in the George. Which would be amazingly great.
Anyway... After feelings somewhat down with the world and stressed, it feels like so much weight has lifted off my shoulders over the past few days.
*smiles* (I should really stop writing such long blog entries.)
I was walking up to Campus this morning for a lecture. I wasn't wearing any of my bright or loud shirts. I was in beige trousers and a plain dark blue shirt. I looked normal, basically.
I passed seven people on my ten minute walk, and since I was in a good and cheeful morning, I wished each one of them a "good morning" with a corteous smile to compliment. Every single one of them looked at me as if I was deranged, insane and as if I was breaking some social boundary and being down right rude.
To be honest, that ruined my morning, if not my whole day. With my current "unstable" mood, where I'm easily reminded of what a bad state this world is in, it really got to me.
I remember just a few years ago that everyone wished me a good day in return with eye contact and smiles. It gave me a sense that people weren't paranoid, secluded from the rest of the world and that they could be polite and friendly.
Perhaps that was because I was a cute and fluffly little child, but still, I've only grown taller since then. Oh well, feeling rather tired and groggy, I shall go to bed sulking about life yet again, having nightmares about the plethora of coursework that's to haunt me tomorrow.
I'm feeling really ill this evening. I had to have a sleep this afternoon because I had absolutely exhausted myself by about 3pm. I remembered back to the school days, feeling ill and having a day off, I would watch television. I remembered the interesting, informative programs as well as good films, etc.
So I decided to watch TV tonight. And I'm SO glad that I don't generally watch it. I spent an hour watching a documentary on the power industry.
It was basically a scenario of what we could see in 2010. It setup a scene of a bleak winter, where demand for power was the highest seen in years. Whilst the power grid was struggling to keep up with this demand, terrorism in Russia caused the generated power to drop very low, thus plunging the south east into one huge blackout.
It basically highlighted the problem that because of the privatised power industry, the companies producing the power are trying to have really cheap power. Then the companies which buy this wholesale power and deliver it to consumers are selling power at the cheapest ever this year.
Because of this, there is no money to invest in the future. We're taking power for granted, we rely on it far too much and noone cares about it's future. It's such a shame and it really upsets me to live in this mad world.
I just don't understand why we have to have all this red tape, all this stupid greed for money. Why can't people put their lives and futures before their income?!
In the next decade, apparantly around 8 power stations will reach the end of their lives and have to be taken out of service. There are plans to build only 1. There are no plans to produce nuclear power because us as public are scared!.
Noone cares about anyone but themselves it seems. Sizewell, which is in viewing distance along the Suffolk coast from where I live, had plans to build another nuclear reactor. I think it was campaigners that manged to stop those plans. If you ask me, when you get used to them, those huge golfball thing's aren't all that bad. I'd rather have that miniscule blob on the horizon and that negligable safety risk than to have no electricity.
I then went to watch the news, as this program finished. And it's all bad news. It's so bleak. IT IS SO DEPRESSING. It makes me mad that it's not possible to look at the media or the internet these days without being pumped full of stories of terror, threat, fear and paranoia.
It's scarey. Why is the UK population being forced to follow in the US's footsteps?! I've noticed in just the last year that the approach the media takes on stories these days is to generate that feeling of fear in the public. I for one don't want it. I don't appreciate it and it makes me want to find some less stressful and threatening country to live in!
I can see it becoming harder and harder to be patriotic in England. *sigh*.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
In waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
that frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
It's all good, yet I feel so unmotivated and like I could just jump in bed and stay there a few days.
I've paid for i19
now. £70 which seems quite alot. But when you factor in all thats there, it's worth it, and it's going to be a damn good weekend.
Unfortunately, this means I'm unable to go to the Aqualung
gig on Saturday. I think I'm going to regret not seeing them. I'm enjoying their music much.
The next good thing is that I signed up at the new Jubilee Sports center on campus. It's a pretty place and it has a swimming pool.
Parents were down on Saturday. Was lovely to see them. I got some new shoes. Lala. They're pretty...
Erm... no offense, but I'm bored. This is a really shit post, I was just thinking. But then I was thinking that I very much doubt people read my corner of the net. And then I was wondering if I actually want anyone to read my corner of the intarweb. Then I was thinking what the hell is all this blogging thing about?
I originally bought this domain
purely to have a personal and decent email address.
But I thought, what the heck, I have this server sitting around that I could host a website on, so I created this thing. It's mainly been an excercise for my web-coding.
So all in all, I'm sat here considering why people blog, why it's become such a craze and why we expect people are even vaguely interested in ourselves.
Is it that we're egotistic and assume we're important enough to have people wanting to read about us? I don't know. I was also reading a blog entry
by some random gut at msdn.org. He's saying about student blogging. He basically says that do people really want to hear about my personal life, about my rants and rave and about my (probably awful) opinions?
Oh well, I shall continue to write to myself. If anyone thinks along the lines of all this is pointless, then in future I suggest you stear clear of my intarweb home. It's mine, I give the rules here and you obide by them, ta all the same.
Oh, and the shoes... they're Kickers. I was well impressed. It's like 8 years too late, but I've finally got a chance to get into the "cool" gang with trendy shoes... Hoorah for 50% sales.
I was just reading an article on the BBC news website here
and found myself quite angered.
The RIAA is also backing a large-scale "educational campaign" including public service adverts and targeting the university student market, a major area of piracy.
Targetting the Uni student market? Now, lets get our fat arses out of our engulfing leather superchairs
and analyse this.
The student market is pirating most music. Lets look at recent problems with fees where the whole argument was based on the fact that students just can't afford an extra £3000 a year. Now lets look at the £12 to £15 cost of your average new album.
It doesn't take a sodding music label's head marketing manager to realise the problem here.
I pirate alot of music (disclaimer
). But I for one would spent alot more money on CDs if only I could afford more than a couple a month. If artists were given a bigger cut and these typically obese American moneygrabbing label CEOs, sitting on their superchairs in their Columbia, Capital, Virgin or other miscellaneous music labels head office got a little less for their troubles, we could charge much less per CD.
And this is even before we talk about the quality of music these days. Do any of the scouts for new talent have perfect hearing? Do the record labels not realise that the shit they're churning out isn't want we want to listen to these days?
Basically, RIAA, piss off and sort your industry out and the problem will go away.
I'm not in a bad mood, honest. Oh, and if the Film industry wants to think up some original ideas and produce some good films, that'd be good, too.
Two quick points I thought I'd like to quickly share...
My course is beginning to get really boring. It's a great couse, but I just feel that it's giving me a basic knowledge over the whole board and not giving me direction for my career. I could rant for ages about this, like I did with a few people off the course this afternoon in Labs. Anyway, motivation is dropping.
The second is that I've been speaking to a friend on mine this evening about someone else. And a flood of emotion has come back into me. Butterflies and shakey feeling. Basically, I miss this someone, yet I never really got to know them. Strange world. Strange mind. Strange emotions.
Oh, and a quick third thing, never slouch for extended periods of time, your back begins to ache!